“Children naturally encourage their parents to broaden their horizons. Fathers who spend a lot of quality time with their children are therefore more likely to form community connections, socialize more, and take leadership positions in their community”
Leadership can take on many forms and is often dictated by the context in which a person is required to lead. Fatherhood requires us not only to lead our children but to serve them as well. The servant-leadership model of fatherhood can be effective in the pursuit of peace for our children.
Robert Greenleaf, the founder of the servant leadership model for business suggests that servant leaders must build communities.
“All that is needed to rebuild community as a viable life form for large numbers of people is for enough servant-leaders to show the way, not by mass movements, but by each servant-leader demonstrating their own unlimited accountability for a specific community related group.”
Community and connection along with collective consciousness are often the binding forces of men especially in war.
Men, and women as well, but primarily men are the practitioners, planners and make up the workforce of organized violence. Men also comprised 88% of all the arrest for murder and manslaughter and 79.3% for all violent crimes in 2019 according to the U.S. Department of Justice Statistics.
Violence, whether collective and organized or random and individual is overwhelmingly committed by men. Sometimes it seems as though we accept these conditions as a fact of life almost as if were bound to happen. In some sense it is bound to happen. In an us versus them, me versus you world, violence is an easily predictable outcome.
Just like armies in the vigorous, organized pursuit of war and individuals in pursuit of selfish gain we need to have fathers who are willing to go after peace with the same passion. What is more important than making the world we want our children to live in?
How much more evidence do we need to know that violence hurts us all? Let’s be warriors for our children’s peace and freedom from the pain of violence and wars. Our connections as dads can help us build that Peace Army. All of us fathers want the best for our children and it going to require new dimensions of connection to one another and bold leadership.
One of the greatest gifts that we as fathers can give to a community is a well-rounded child who is eager to contribute to society and peacefully coexist with other people. In a book titled “Nationbuilding”, the author Akoto offers some questions to ponder as a nation is formed. Similarly, we need to ask ourselves these questions as we seek to create a paradigm of peaceful social relationships between us.
One of the keys is to solving a problem is to correctly identify the problem. Whether peace is possible or not is all in the way that that you think about it.
Our belief systems inform us as to what is possible and guide us into the actions that we take in achieving our aims. Peace as a state which can be shared by all may seem unattainable but is it really? Is it really so out of the question for us to build communities where people, despite their differences, enjoy harmonious relationships.
In a world that seems so committed to war and the instruments to execute it, peace may seem unrealistic and out of reach.
Looking at the enormous amounts of money, time and effort which are invested in creating weapons and systems to destroy one another there appears to be little interest in peace. Granted, peace is more than just the absence of war and physical conflict but many nations are eager and proud to display their weaponry as a sign of national strength and security. But is it really an indication of strength or does it make us more vulnerable and insecure. If security is in the possession of 10 bombs what happens when the other guy gets 11 bombs? The only way to stop violence and secure peace in this way of thinking is to escalate to greater violence. We have seen far too many examples of this and have a long track record of human atrocities to show for it.
I believe fear is a root cause of much of the violence that we encounter and in the building of such elaborate weapon systems. Fear forms our enemies for us. People or groups who are different give us all we need to justify our fears.
We often use highly structured ways to magnify the differences and confirm our fears. We take that fear and build weapons that are powerful enough to annihilate the planet in order to feel secure. What are we so afraid of? What makes us so insecure? Our ways of thinking have trapped us into believing that we can’t live together. Higher walls, bigger more sophisticated bombs and technology are the best way protect us from our enemies.
If the fear of “others” is the problem how do we recognize it and then overcome it? Fear is a great trickster, it prevents us from looking at ourselves. Fear makes us focus on everything and everyone outside of ourselves and there is always a boogie man out there justify our fears. When I looked at myself, I realized that there were some ways of thinking and acting that I lived by which were very unproductive.
Personally, I don’t like feeling afraid, angry, suspicious, and separated and I knew I had to become someone different. Then came the most difficult and frightening step. That step is the releasing of the old way of thinking and acting. Releasing old beliefs systems, offers an excellent opportunity for self- transformation. What a scary and sometimes lonely place to be!
Going against the expectations of your family, friends and tribe is too much to consider for many people. Even though sometimes deep inside we know what we are doing and thinking are wrong we still go along with it because of the safety that our old belief systems provide.
One is liberation, defined as the act of setting somebody or something free, or the fact of being free from imprisonment, restraint and obligation, or anything burdensome or oppressive. Another definition is the act of making something available for the first time, or the fact of being made available in this way. It further goes on to define release as the removal of a burden; the removal of something that makes someone feel trapped, restricted or burdened.
If our ways of thinking and acting restrain, restrict, and trap us into actions that don’t create peace than its time to let them go. It’s to move on to ideas that do create peace.
T. D. Jakes said “Big ideas come from forward thinking people who challenge the norm, think outside the box, and invent the world they see inside rather than submitting to the limitations of current dilemmas” Facing any challenge requires courage.
Courage to change, courage to grow, courage to persists and so many other demonstrations of courage are necessary for change. It takes courage to admit that we’ve made some mistakes, and it also takes courage to let go of the ways that we’ve become comfortable with, even though those ways may be harmful to others, and ourselves as well as being unproductive. Fear may be what stops us, because we don’t know or can’t know or be sure what is waiting for us on the other side of release. How are we going to make new friends? How are we going to engage in unfamiliar activities? How are we going to find new people to trust? And most importantly, how are we going to begin to trust ourselves to do things we haven’t done before?
This new way of thinking may cause us to go against our family traditions or mediocrity and failure, as well as some of the cultural paradigms that we engage in that we may be afraid to violate. But rest assured that once we have the release, we begin to develop the confidence that comes as we begin to exercise our new muscles and practice a new way of life.
You ask yourself some tough questions like who am I now, who will protect and support me what am I supposed to do without my tribe and old ways of being in the world? I have found that while many in the tribe will not immediately support your transformation that there many people out there who already do. And, eventually as you set a new way of being people and resources will be drawn to you.
As fathers we have to develop the habits of courageous action that give all of our children a pathway to peace.
We can create the environment that we want for our children’s future. Take a moment to envision a community where all of our children can flourish. Can you see it? If you can’t, then take a courageous look at your beliefs systems and release some of those tired ideas. If you can see it then lock arms with your brothers and let’s move courageously towards peace
]]>The mission of Fathers For Peace is to unite fathers in a brotherhood of fatherhood to create a peaceful world where all of our children can flourish. Now is the time to lock arms with each other in a “brotherhood of fatherhood” and work collectively to create a more peaceful and just world so that all of our children can walk in peace. One of our duties in this sacred position of fatherhood is to teach. So, we have to ask ourselves what are we teaching our children.
Whether it is directly or by example we are teaching our children the ways to be in the world. A friend of mine once told me that he raised his son “like a pit bull tied to a fence” when I asked him what he meant he explained that you have to tie a pit bull to a fence and beat it to make it mean enough to fight. He taught his son that way of living based on his own belief that the world was a cold hard place where you needed to be ready to fight and if necessary kill as a way to survive the harshness of life. In his mind, he was demonstrating love to his son by preparing him for “reality”. True to the teachings of his father the son was convicted of murder and sent to prison. A self-fulfilling prophecy of fear, grief and misery. Most of us don’t have to look far to see evidence that we have major work to do to create a different paradigm for us and our children. Fathers For Peace is an organization of fathers who are ready to move courageously toward a way of living among ourselves that teaches peace over war, love over hate, and the connectedness of all of us over separation.
Something that we all have in common as dads is that we love our children. Nothing else in the world can transform us and bring out the best in us like being a father. It instantly raises us to this sacred position and demands things from us that sometimes we didn’t even know we had to give. How exciting is it to have a child be our guide on how to live? What do we learn from watching them interact without fear, prejudice or suspicion or any of the other illusions that separate us. It is true that when we become “adults” we often become adulterated and lose the vision of a world where acceptance, harmony, and peace are the ways we live by.
So, the question becomes what type of world do we want for our children and what are we willing to do to create that world for them? We see that we are willing to form armies to go to war, lose millions of lives, cause unimaginable suffering, and justify it as necessary maintaining some way of life. Are we willing to form an army to create peace, do we have the courage to transform ourselves and our world to make it a place where all of our children can flourish?
Now is the time for all fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers, who have an interest in creating a more peaceful world for the future generations to form that army. To draw our security from the power of love instead of the application of force. Fathers For Peace is looking for fathers who are willing to let go of age, income, race, culture paradigms and other ideologies that normally separate us to the higher calling of creating a world where all of our children can walk in peace. These are fathers who have empathy, courage, are loving and have vision. They have a deep concern for the current state of affairs and realize that we all can play a major part in the healing of the world we live in.
One of the most powerful things about fatherhood is that it is a universal concept so we instantly have brothers in peace in every corner of the world. We have to use all available means to seek out the fathers who agree with this need and harness the collective actions/energy to begin to create peace. Our strength lies in our love for our children. It also lies in our connection that we have to each other from knowing that as fathers we all have so much in common. Together we can build a worldwide village to help us raise sons and daughters of peace and let violence and war as a way of life be part of the past.
Courage is a trait that is required for all things great. A Father for Peace needs courage because peace demands it. In our quest for peace we need to embrace the We.
It is necessary to cast aside all versions of separateness and embrace the universal principles of fatherhood which can bind us in collective action for the good of us all. Courage is also necessary for us to challenge our ideologies about war, violence, suffering, poverty and injustice and explore what we are able to do to eliminate those conditions when we lock arms for a transformation to more desirable conditions. Courage is necessary to confront the institutions and systems that We have created and have allowed to persists that profit from the war, violence, suffering and injustice that stand firmly in opposition to peace. Courage is necessary to move from the idea of “my family” to the idea of “our family” and stand for the good of everyone especially the children. Courage is the cornerstone of peace.
In a world where violence is often confused with power and strength, courage is required to resist the calls for violence. Many believe the cure for violence or the way to stop violence is a greater more dramatic demonstration of violence. It’s easy to see that this only leads to escalation and produces more separation, misery and destruction.
Courage is a multi-dimensional pathway to peace and has many different forms. Let’s take a look at some of the types of courage needed for peace. The courage to walk away: In a culture which values violence and retribution walking away can give the impression of being weak or afraid.
Walking away from confrontation can be the quickest and smartest way to deescalate a potentially deadly situation. It shows maturity and the wisdom necessary to promote a peaceful alternative to violent confrontation. The courage to stand and fight for what’s right: Seemingly the opposite of walking away courage is stand and fight courage. But stand and fight for what?
We know as fathers that there are some things that are necessary to promote peace and those things are worth fighting for. What’s right are the things that allow our all of our children to live in a world which helps them to flourish without the fear of violence and actions that create separation and division. The courage to let others think what they want to think: Both walking away and standing to fight for what is right will of course have its critics.
Now comes the courage to act despite what others, family, friends, community, etc. are going to say and think about you.
There will always be critics. Often their criticism is based in fear and only reflects the holding on to the status quo where we continue to live in the same conditions that diminish our ability to grow together. The courage to look at yourself: Why do I believe these things? Where did I get these ideas from? What good does it do for me and my children to follow this way of thinking and acting? Are we growing and expanding or shrinking and isolating? As a teacher, am I teaching peace? And so many more questions. The courage to tell the truth: The truth shall set you free!!
It’s difficult to admit the truth sometimes. It’s even more difficult when the untruths we have invested in are such a large part of our identity. I am a this or I am a that and we behave this way and follow this set of rules and guidelines. The courage to admit fear, weakness and vulnerability: The truth may be that outside of the set of limited but well-established truths which we hold so dear we feel vulnerable and weak. So, we cling to the known rather than grown and expand. Then courage to admit fear opens up ways to pursue growth in many ways. The courage to open up to others who aren’t like you: Now we are getting into deep water. Who are these others? Why are they so weird? Why do they believe these things? The courage to “open” up to “others who aren’t like you” means that you are allowing yourself to grow, share and realize that we have more in common than we believe we do.
It takes courage to listen to different opinions and viewpoints. It takes courage to build relationships with people who don’t look, think and act like you. It takes courage to move out of your comfort zone. It takes courage to care for someone else. The courage to embrace love over fear: It’s amazing how much more comfortable some of us are with fear rather than love.
We dress our fears up in data, intellect and established ways of thinking and call it facts or the way of the world. Well we see the results of that. I believe we know better but are afraid to admit it.
As fathers we know that love is essential to having children that are happy, strong and healthy. Children who are happy, strong and healthy grow and reflect those values and help build the type of world that we can all prosper in.
Certainly, there are many more ways to demonstrate courage. All of which contribute to more peaceful society.
The sacred office of fatherhood gives us an added responsibility of developing a practice of courageous actions while teaching and modeling that courage to our children.
“When I was growing up, my father would say, ‘I am the man in the house and as I say, so be it.’” Dumitru Dunas, a young father from Moldova, speaks gravely about his traditional upbringing. “He never allowed my mother to go out to do anything. He said the woman should be dirty with flour, and the man should be dirty with dust from the outside.”
When he married, Dunas wanted to do things differently. “Because I saw the absence of the father in my family as I grew up, I understood how important it is for a father to be close to his children.” Every day, he shares in household chores like cooking meals, playing a hands-on role in taking care of his five children.
Supporting fathers like Dunas—and encouraging other men to become more involved in daily childcare—is one of the goals of the EU 4 Gender Equality: Together Against Gender Stereotypes and Gender-Based Violence, an EU-funded project jointly implemented by UN Women and UNFPA in Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Moldova and Ukraine. Launched in spring 2020, EU 4 Gender Equality has already reached millions of people with messages about equally sharing family responsibilities. The project has also launched father’s clubs, training sessions, and father-child activities throughout the region.
In areas where authoritarian fatherhood norms may dampen family relationships, the first step is often just creating space for dads to enjoy time with their kids. In Ukraine, Georgia and Moldova, fathers’ clubs have held father-child cookie baking sessions, storytelling hours, painting workshops, and more. Photo competitions by EU 4 Gender Equality partners showcase images of dads having fun with their children, like this Facebook gallery of dads and daughters.
In Azerbaijan, where some norms reinforce rigidly gender-defined parenting roles and where some couples may prefer to have sons, the awareness-raising campaign “My Father Loves Me” celebrated bonds between fathers and children. In one video, a dad explains how he championed his daughter’s athletic goals despite scepticism from others. She became a prizewinning young wrestler. When dads play a part in their children’s lives, they can take pride in their children’s accomplishments.
In Ukraine, families in 10 cities united in a music flashmob, playing instruments and singing. In Armenia, an interactive puppet show about a family of rabbits encouraged young audience members to re-think dad’s role—and “women’s work”—in a family.
Beyond playing and celebrations, kids need fathers who share the load at home. A 2020 survey on gender stereotypes, surveying thousands of men and women in the region in 2020, showed that significant percentages of men and women think men’s careers come first and women’s careers are secondary. In societies where women are expected to shoulder most unpaid care work, mothers disproportionately spend hours on domestic chores and childcare. Trying to meet society’s expectations results in women having less time to invest in their professional development. EU 4 Gender Equality: Together Against Gender Stereotypes and Gender-Based Violence project combats these limiting stereotypes by promoting the equal sharing of responsibilities between women and men.
Through clubs, on TV, through social media, and through other activities, the project encourages fathers to take on daily household chores like cooking, washing, and cleaning up after their kids. In Armenia, the programme launched “Family Corners” where parents learn better skills, commit to equitably sharing childcare and household work, and talk about gender stereotypes that might be harmful to kids. They also address topics like anger management, as well as preventing domestic violence and gender-biased sex selection.
In Azerbaijan, public service messages show that men can do chores. And in the days leading up to Father’s Day in June 2021, a popular TV channel in Ukraine urged dads to send in photos and videos of them doing specific childcare tasks, like brushing their child’s hair. Participants of the #21daysofrealfather challenge in Ukraine are featured on the channel’s morning show.
The programme envisions a world where fathers engage with their children from day one. EU4GE-funded “Papa Schools” teach men what to expect when they accompany their pregnant partners to prenatal visits, as well as infant care basics like how to support a baby’s head correctly. An accompanying manual, translated into regional languages, is a reference guide for the classes. So that health-care workers can encourage men to be a part of prenatal care, the project developed training materials specifically for clinic staff who talk to expectant couples.
Mirian Jugheli was one of the first dads in Georgia to take paternity leave. He is a co-founder of MenCare Georgia, which launched EU4GE-funded father’s schools in the country [watch Facebook cartoon video]. “A lot of men think there are male and female roles in the household, and a child is a woman’s job,” says Jugheli. “I hate it when people ask, ‘Are you helping your wife?’ Parenting is not about ‘helping’ a partner, but rather about equal obligations and opportunities to raise a child.” Instead of seeing fathers as add-ons whose involvement is optional, father’s schools bring men into their parenting role as full participants.
During the sessions in Georgia, dads ask practical questions about childcare. “We get questions like, ‘What if food gets stuck in the baby’s throat?’” says Jugheli. Dads also learned useful tips like how to pack a “father’s bag” with things like diapers, cream, and first aid supplies.
In Moldova, father’s club participants start off by thinking about their own father’s legacy, both the good and the bad. They reflect on the question “One thing about my father that I don’t want to repeat with my child is…” The clubs also reach out to young men well before they become parents. 17-year-old Ionuț Chintea says he’s learned to distinguish healthy habits from stereotypes and learned more about gentle parenting. “When I become a father, I will be as good as possible with my children,” he says. “I will spend time with them, I will tell them “I love you”, I will be part of their lives.”
Sometimes men want to be more involved in their children’s lives, but face pressures at work to put their career first. Together with project partners, UN Women and UNFPA advocate for paternity leave, family-friendly company policies, and legal changes that make it easier for fathers to spend more time with their kids. In an online session in May 2021 in Belarus, companies learned ways to make their human resources (HR) policies more workable for families.
“The challenge is that societal and mental change take time, sometimes decades. Rome wasn’t built in a day,” says MenCare’s Jugheli. “But we have already seen results from our work. We are determined to get closer to a society where men take full responsibility for their children – and get involved in the daily routines of their families’ lives.”
Source: https://eca.unwomen.org/en/news/stories/2021/06/feature-story-involved-fathers-mean-happier-families
I walk by a grammar school on my way to work. The first day tends to be a big deal, moms parading to the school with kids in tow, cameras flashing to capture the moment. I noticed the first day this year was a bit more celebratory than years past, no doubt a result of missing the annual milestone due to the pandemic in 2020. I also noted the presence of dads, far more than I had ever seen before. They were on the fringes of the crowd, a bit unsure of their role in the event, awkwardly talking to each other. But there they were, trying to be a part of the first-day celebrations.
I’m noticing the men in my therapy practice also trying to awkwardly fit into their children’s lives more than they have before. One client, a father of four kids ranging in age from 16 to 6, has been the “heavy” in the family, enforcer of the household rules. Otherwise, he has spent the majority of his time working at his demanding, labor-intensive job. Parenting has been almost exclusively the domain of his wife.
Some dads also feel a degree of insecurity and, as one dad admitted to me recently, shame around being a more involved dad. Brought up to be a breadwinner rather than an active parent, he feels his involvement suggests a lack of masculinity. He knows objectively this is ridiculous, but without a role model in his own father, it’s a bias he carries, nonetheless.